Recently I was sitting in a crowded classroom surrounded by men who weren’t wearing their face masks properly and were also wearing flip flops. I felt panicked and withdrawn. I dropped out the next day. The experience made me think about some trends in menswear that I personally consider to be red flags. I think it is important to document these red flags as it provides me with the ability to give unwanted advice, while being critical of myself and others.
One worn trend that I have noticed is the unique crossover earring. This marks the male appeal for the worst part of TikTok. The prop is both too much and surprisingly little effort. I get it, you think you’re sexy, and you can’t have a conversation. Now, before I begin, I have some vagueness about Christianity. Over 60% of the country is Christian. Even as a Jew, I understand it’s on the menu. Believe it or not, I saw a movie and read a book. Congratulations on majority status, the earring is still lame.
Wearing these earrings, however, will not only be not get fucked, but will make you look like a tool that on the one hand doesn’t get laid and on the other hand is thinking about getting a perm. The only earrings with anything resembling a cross shape that should be worn are sword earrings, and that is definitive. If you own sword earrings, I could be in love with you.
If you’re actively looking for ways to discourage me from falling in love with you, flip-flops are a good place to start. Once I was walking down the street and saw a man running in flip flops. It was vaguely sad for me, the kind of feeling I get looking at people in the parking lot of a mall; but mostly I was bored and my ears hurt. The sound of flip flops is absolutely disgusting. I go wild every time I hear someone in flip flops half a mile away. They still drag their feet, don’t lift their feet, or let the heel hit the concrete, all at around 100 decibels.
Even when stationary, flip flops are problematic. Seeing someone’s bare feet is somewhere between second and third base. Ultimately the feet are disgusting and I never want to see yours. We’re in a pandemic – if I can’t see your face, I sure shouldn’t be seeing your feet.
Another disadvantage particularly related to the classroom is the loose mask. We see these people in class with a mask that slips under their nose because their mask does not fit their face. They are vile, do no good, and commit crimes so heinous that even Oski would shudder. Anyway, my point is, if your mask is so loose that your nose is exposed in class more often than not, you probably aren’t brushing your teeth and have an extensive criminal record.
Moving on to eyes – over a year ago I walked into my optometrist’s office for an appointment. The optometrist’s office is the peak of sexual tension in the medical field. You walk in there and sexually deprived strangers stare at you and say things like, “You have to buy these glasses. They highlight your chiseled, manly jawline and help define your beautiful dark brows. … but this other the pair is suitable for your soft but masculine lips. So many choices! Let’s just kiss instead.
Anyway, my optometrist asked me if I was wearing sunglasses, and when I said no, he acted so offended. “But your eyes!” he cried, “They need protection from the sun!”
First of all, the only things my eyes need protection from are, again, strangers’ bare feet, which are repulsive, and the harsh shine of your cross earring.
That being said, I gave in and bought some prescription sunglasses. I was under their spell for months. Everything was darker, a beautiful shade of gray. I felt like a big silly dog floating around in life, and I loved it. Until one day I sat on my sunglasses and broke them. The spell was also broken. I started looking at pictures of myself in the glasses and realized I looked like a yutz. If you wear sunglasses, you should wear them with a small sign that says, “I wear them for the long term health of my vision and I don’t wear them for the following reasons: my eyes. Second, I’m a creep and I watch your ass. And third, I think I look cool in these.
Let’s register. Do you feel it? It is the sin of bad fashion decisions taken away from you. Now that you’ve read this, you can finally avoid these trends, or as I call them, bad decisions, and live a clean, perfect, fashionable life. As well as being a tool for self-reflection, I hope it serves as a useful guide in deciding which peers to judge, and ultimately think less in your classrooms due to arbitrary fashion choices.
Contact Ryan McCullough at [email protected].